My Rock Bottom: Journey to Sobriety

4 years ago I was waking up on a friends couch with a hospital bracelet on my wrist and discharge papers on the coffee table. I didn’t remember why.

I looked around the room, past the vomit on my shirt and through the yellow film of hangover to see the time— 2:30pm. There was a stillness in the air. In that moment everything was quiet, quiet enough to hear the words “it’s ok to be done”. And for the first time in my life, I listened.

Today I celebrate 4 years without a drink or a drug. 4 years of freedom from a carousel ride I never thought I’d get off— not until I was like 40 and about to fuck up my children’s lives after a couple DUI’s at least.

Every week I was planning my drinking. "If I go out tonight I’ll be hungover tomorrow and can get stuff done the next day and then drink that night because I have work on Monday so I should be recovered by then” and so on. I turned into a mathematician trying to find the perfect equation of alcohol>drug>timing>food combo in order to avoid a blackout//violent hangover. It never worked. Great effort though.

I got tired of putting clues together from the night before without asking obvious questions and revealing to my friends that yes, I was blacked out... again. I got tired of trying to have only 4 beers bc I had work the next day— and when I succeeded in the 4 beers it fuckin sucked and when I didn’t and let the alcohol take me it also fuckin sucked. I couldn’t enjoy it no matter what but I needed it and that fuckin sucked.

I’m sharing this with you to let you know that you’re not alone. If you identify with any of this and want to talk, I’m here and so are millions of others who have walked this walk. I am free today because of the people who have gone before me and paved the way for a new spiritual way of life. I thought getting sober would be the end of fun, the end of feeling good and the end of my sex appeal. Turns out, sobriety is sexy as fuck and feels way better than any wild night I’ve ever had.

I have a video from the last night that I ever drank alcohol. A can of warm red wine. Yeah. Lyrics happen to be, “I got out, I got out, out alive and I’m here to stay”.

📷: @jordanwlee